The Oddest Epic: Arukenimon, Mummymon, & Myotismon
by Four String Bard
Summary: The DigiWorld is threataned by an evil far greater even than Mummymon's newly aquired toupee, and only Arukenimon, Mummymon, and Myotismon can stop it! (Provided they ever leave the restaurant and stop hitting each other with things.)


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Author's Notes: This fanfic does not even pretend to fit in with the continuity of Season One and Two. So please don't give me a bunch of clever notes like "Hey, there's no Digital afterlife.." "You're not running Myotismon properly.." "Diana is a girl's name!" or anything of that sort.

This fic is inspired by (though not dependent on) Jethro Tull's _Passion Play_ and Douglas Adam's The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. I compare these three to the Three Stooges, but feel it necessary to state that I've never even seen an episode of the Three Stooges- I dunno if they really act anything like these three do in this fic. Basically I talk out of my ass. Sue me.

Last, this is not something for people who take their Digimon seriously. It even does the unthinkable- it pokes fun at it at times! So if that sort of thing moves you to fits of mad rage, please, don't read it. Or at least keep the hell away from me.

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Legal Information: I do not own Digimon, regardless of what the voices in my head might claim. I do, however, own Jeff Nimoy, and keep him sealed in an Altoid's Box. But that's a story for another day..

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Mummymon groaned. "Ow..."

"Get up, you idiot," growled a familiar voice.

Mummymon didn't quite dare open his eyes. "Nope.. can't.. dead."

"Yes, you are. Now get up!" Arukenimon snapped.

The undead Digimon did as he was told, sitting up and looking around. "I'm dead." He announced.

"We've figured that out," Arukenimon muttered, standing up and running her fingers over her human-form body, as if making sure everything was intact.

"I'm dead.. so this is.. heaven?"

"Wrong." Arukenimon said. "We'd never get in there."

"..hell?"

Arukenimon shook her head. "Wrong, bandage breath. Strike two."

"..that third one? Purga-what's-it?" Mummymon asked.

The spider lady rubbed her temples. "..purgatory, you idiot.. and does this look like purgatory to you?"

"Um.. maybe? I've never been there."

Arukenimon frowned. "Well.. I haven't, either.. but I don't imagine it would look like a fancy dress-up restaurant, do you? No, wait, don't answer. I don't care what you think." Arukenimon said, looking about. "Last thing I remember was MaloMyotismon, and-"

"Are sir and madam ready to eat?" asked a voice, and Arukenimon jumped.

"..eat?" Mummymon asked, standing up himself, dusting himself off, and turning to address the source of the voice. "There is catering in the afterlife?"

"Apparently, sir, or else I wouldn't be offering, now would I?" the speaker, who turned out to be a very short man wearing a bathrobe and, just as inexplicably, a top hat. "Can I show you to your seat? The show is about to start."

"What show?" Mummymon asked.

"Why, the Restaurant at the End of the Digital World Variety Show, of course." the short man in the bathrobe and top hat said.

"Er.. which end?" Mummymon inquired.

"West," the short man said briskly.

"And what is your name, mystical bathrobe man?" Mummymon asked, leaning on his walking stick and grinning.

"Diana," the short man said. "Will sir follow me? And his lady wife, of course."

"You heard the mystical midget, lady wife, let's-" Mummymon broke off as Arukenimon punched him in the head.

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The two sat down and picked up menus as Diana told them about their drink options (water or water with ice in it). The Restaurant at the End of the Digital World was a rather largish building, with seating for hundreds of villain Digimon (it seemed to be filled only with this sort.. not a decent 'mon in sight), and the main dining area was dominated by a large stage on the rear wall, toward which every chair in the place turned.

"...see, some people like the water, as it doesn't have ice in it, and that means there's no solid bits.." he said.

"Hm.. this Digi Egg Omelet looks good.." Mummymon said.

"It is dinner time.. let's get something heavier than that.." Arukenimon said.

"..on the other hand, the ice water is colder, if you're into that sort of thing.."

"Hm.. do you know if Cowmon steaks are any good?" Mummymon asked.

Arukenimon shook her head. "We didn't die just to eat steak. Let's do something fancy. Hm.. I don't see Digidestined anywhere, do you?"

"Hm.. there's Chicken Stuffed with Digidestined Fingers.." Mummymon said, pointing at a spot on his menu.

Arukenimon glanced over at it, then sighed, rubbing her temples. "That says 'Gratuity included' in French, you idiot." Arukenimon said.

"Oh."

"..of course, both sorts are comprised of hydrogen and oxygen.." Diana was saying.

"We'd like standing rib roast and Yorkshire pudding.. Diana.." Arukenimon announced.

The top-hatted midget glanced up. "Eh?"

"For dinner. Yorkshire pudding. Rib roast." Arukenimon said irritably.

"Oh.. and which type of water? Ice or not ice?"

Mummymon said, "Ooh! Could you explain the difference b-" he broke off as Arukenimon punched him, causing him to fall out of his chair with a crash.

"Whatever! Surprise me!" Arukenimon snarled, and Diana shrugged and walked off.

Mummymon crawled back onto his seat. "So.. lovely afterlife.. didn't really think I'd feel pain after I was dead, but, there you go."

"I hate you." Arukenimon snapped.

"I love you." Mummymon responded with a sigh.

"I know."

"Really?"

"And I still hate you." Arukenimon responded with a wicked laugh.

Mummymon sighed, then sat up straight. "Say, isn't that Etemon?"

"Where?"

"Over there.." Mummymon said. "Next to the Piedmon clutching his ears."

"Ah. So it is."

"Since when does Etemon play the banjo?" Mummymon asked.

"Dunno. I stopped following his career when he left the Grateful Dead." Arukenimon said idily, examining her nails. "Why don't you go ask?"

"Okay!" Mummymon said cheerfully, standing up and wandering toward the two.

"..thank god.." Arukenimon said, and closed her eyes, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

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"Oh, yeah! Uh huh!" Etemon sang, plucking madly at the banjo he had stolen from the last band on at the Variety Show.

"Please, shut up. Please."

"What's that?" Etemon shouted, as if he wasn't a foot away from Piedmon.

"I said, please, please go away. If you have any decency, any decency at all, any _mercy_.."

"I can't HEAR you!"

"Oh, god, no. Not again." Piedmon moaned, putting his hands on his ears again and letting his head settle down on the table.

"Time for another hit by the one and only Etemon!" the monkey sang, only to be knocked out cold, seconds later, by Mummymon's walking stick, which had flown quite quickly through the air as a result of Mummymon tripping over a banana peel that had been conveniently dropped on the floor by the author. The author never much cared for Etemon…

"..oops." Mummymon said, leaning over and slapping the prone monkey Digimon. "Hello? Mister Etemon, sir? Anything? Helloooooooo.."

"Don't- wake- him!" Piedmon hissed, yanking Mummymon around by the front of the shirt to face him, his face twisted in a snarl. Then he smiled pleasantly and let go of Mumymmon's shirt. "That's a good boy."

"Um.. why not? Don't you like-"

"NO!" Piedmon shouted. "..no. In fact.. here. A gift from Etemon." The clown reached down and snatched up the banjo, and handed it over to Mummymon.

"Ooh.. really!?"

"Yes. And.. hm.. a reward from me, I think.. ah.. here! My toupee! Armed with this banjo, and my toupee, you'll go far!" Piedmon said, taking off his flaming orange vertical wig and placing it on Mummymon's head.

"Wow!" Mummymon said, taking them. "How do I look?"

"Marvelous. Why don't you go show off to the lady over there?"

"Sure.. though she'll probably not like it.. she's got that Spirit Needle attack of her's, her hair is a lot more useful, even if this is very nice.."

"Oh, not any more. You lose your attacks here, it seems. That's why I couldn't shove laughing boy away.." Piedmon said. "So your hair is just as useful as her's."

"Hm.. she's not going to like that.. well, anyway, thanks." Mummymon walked off, playing on the banjo merrily.

"..what an idiot."

After a moment, Etemon woke up with a groan. "Wha.. where..? Huh?" he glanced at the now hairless Piedmon. "Who're you?"

"BalPiedmon." Piedmon said.

"Where'd Piedmon go?"

"He and a Mummymon went off with your banjo after they knocked you out.. dunno where.." Piedmon said.

"Mummymon, huh? Well, I'll get him!" Etemon growled, and stalked off in the wrong direction.

"..what depressingly stupid people my colleagues are.." Piedmon said into his glass of water.****

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"Oh, Arukenimon.. look at what I've- gasp!"

"You're not supposed to actually say 'gasp,' you dol- oh my god, your head is on fire!" Arukenimon cried, throwing an entire glass pitcher of ice water at Mummymon's head. It shattered against his nose, dousing him thoroughly and causing him to fall over.

"Ow."

"Why didn't the fire go out?" Arukenimon asked curiously.

"..wig." Mummymon managed.

"Stupid wig." Myotismon muttered from where he sat next to Arukenimon, eating Mummymon's dinner.

"Gasp!"

"You said that all ready, and Arukenimon all ready explained that that isn't something you actually say- it is an action." Myotismon said.

"..what's he doing here?" Mummymon demanded, leaping to his feet.

"Eating?" Myotismon asked around a mouthful of Yorkshire pudding. "Mm.. quite good, really, the grub in the life-after-death."

"But.. but.." Mummymon said.

"Do go on." Myotismon invited, gesturing with his fork.

"You killed my Arukenimon!"

"No I didn't!" Myotismon said. "Oh.. wait, yeah I did. Forgot about that. Well, we've made up, until I find it convenient to kill her again."

"..you have the dreamiest eyes.." Arukenimon said, staring raptly at the vampire.

"Don't I?" Myotismon asked. "They- ack!"

Mummymon continued whacking Myotismon about the head. "You- killed- my- Arukenimon! I'll make you pay! Die! Die!"

"Ack!" Myotismon repeated. "Stop it, you undead nutter! _Stop it!_ DAMMIT!"

"And now, the Restaurant at the (West) End of the Digital World is proud to present- Azulongmon!" Diana announced, standing on the stage and holding a microphone.

"Ooh, the show's on!" Mummymon said eagerly, sitting down next to a bruised and extremely irate Myotismon.

"Ahem. Good to be here, tonight.." Azulongmon said as he flickered into existence, "And now.. without further ado.. maestro! Start the tune!"

The band in the orchestra pit struck up a fast-tempo'd polka, and Azulongmon immediately commenced yodeling.

Mummymon bounced his head cheerfully to the beat, while Myotismon scowled at the back of his head, then folded his arms on his chest and skulked, wondering when he'd get his attacks back so he could take on the guy with his stick.

When Azulongmon finished, he grinned down at the audience, and said, thank you, thanks! You've been a lovely audience! Good night!"

Then he floated out the back exit.

"Well.. that was lovely!" Mummymon gushed, stealing Myotismon's fork moments before the vampire Digimon stabbed him in the face with it- not that Mummymon knew he was going to.. he was just hungry. He took a fork full of standing rib roast and took a bite.

"Hello," Diana said, popping up in front of Mummymon, who promptly swallowed the fork and began to choke.

"Yes?" Arukenimon asked, taking a sip from her water. "We're not ready for desert yet.. come back later.."

Mummymon continued trying to hack up his fork.

"No.. I came here to take you to see Azulongmon.. he wants to talk to you.. he's in the lounge out back."

"Who? Me, Myotismon, or the fire-headed wonder?" Arukenimon asked.

Diana said, "All three of you, actually. If you'll just follow me..?"

Arukenimon and Myotismon shrugged, stood up, and turned to Mummymon, who proceeded to keel over in a stupor amid the little bits of broken pitcher from before. The two sighed, each grabbed one of his legs, and said, in unison, "Lead on."

Diana nodded and started on his way, the two walking Digimon and the one unconscious one close behind.

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What does Azulongmon want? Who knew he could yodel? What's with the horrific wig Mummymon is wearing, and will he ever take it off? Will Etemon ever catch up with our.. well.. not heroes, exactly, but.. ah.. peoples? Will this story start making sense and gain a plot, or at least the tiniest bit of quality? You might find out on the next installment of this fan fic, but I wouldn't bet any vital organs on the proposition.


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